7 Steps To Freedom - Self Acceptance As A Practice

Most people are not good at self acceptance. This, of course, makes it hard to accept other things so this is a primary skill. We tend to find ourselves focusing on feelings of dissatisfaction, mis-labeling them as motivation and proceed to ignore everything else. This is actually the result of evolutionary pressures shaping our nervous system making it one of the most fundamental things that must be accepted.

It doesn’t help that we live in a culture that keeps pushing the narrative that happiness is the next big thing, the new toy, bigger bank account - anything and everything that is external and can be sold to you. When you look at it, the illusion disperses. The first time I remember thinking about this was listening to the song Richard Corey by Simon and Garfunkel on headphones and trying to learn all the lyrics so I could sing along.  At the tender age of 11 or 12, I wasn’t able to truly grok the song but my mind held on to the basic knowledge that happiness was not to be found in possessions.

The happiest people out there are ones that accept themselves and others as they are and for who they are while keeping their focus on the good in their lives without ignoring the weeds in the garden. Therapists, philosophers, and researchers all agree that accepting yourself as you are leads to happiness and improved mental health. When you can get disparate groups like that to agree, it is pretty safe to accept the veracity of the statement.

So, how do we do that?

1. Listen to your self-talk

You may have heard the advice, “If you wouldn’t say something to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.” Self-talk centered around judgment and guilt isn’t motivational, it is discouraging and painful. When I tell myself “You f^cked up again. You’ll never get it right,” I am priming myself to give up. When negative thoughts will pop up, we can choose to mentally delete them and substitute a more productive one: “I am learning. I am getting better with experience.” Negative thoughts will continue to pop up in our mental playlist, but we get to choose whether to skip them or to put them on repeat.

2. Separate the circumstances from the story

In any situation, there are circumstances, and distinct from that there is our story. The circumstances are objective facts about what happened: My scale says 145 pounds. My credit card bill shows $9000 owed. I died 7 times to the same raid mechanic. Our story is a collection of thoughts, feelings, and opinions we tell ourselves about the circumstances and what they mean.

When my scale says 145 pounds, the same as last week, I could tell this story: “No progress! It’s not fair! I exercised every day, ate salads, and skipped the pizza at the office. Nothing will ever work. I might as well just give up.” A different story might go: “Hmm, same as last week. I know I’ve been consistent on my food plan and workouts, so I’ll give it a little more time and see what happens.”

We can’t change a circumstance. We can rescript our story to something that makes us feel more confident and empowers us to move forward.

3. Identify your circles of control

All of us have three circles of control: there are the parts of our lives we control completely: basically our own words and actions. Some parts of our lives we partially control, but other people or variables also have an influence: our schedule, our environment, our finances. Finally, there are events over which we have no control: other people’s words and actions, the weather, and global events. (We may influence these events, but we cannot directly control the outcomes.)

When we focus most of our time and attention on what we can control - our own words and actions - these are things that make you feel empowered. When we over-focus on events and factors beyond our control, we can feel discouraged and overwhelmed. This can lead to learned helplessness and depression.

4. For circumstances within your circles of control, make a plan

If I’m dissatisfied with my weight, my job, or my relationships, I can make a plan and take action. Simple plans and small, do-able actions work best because we feel more confident we can carry them out, and success builds on success.

• For a health goal, I can include protein and vegetables at each meal.

• I can wait until I’m hungry to eat and stop when I’m satisfied, not stuffed.

If I focus on action steps I can control (eat protein and vegetables) rather than outcomes I can’t control (lose 10 pounds this month), I’m more likely to feel successful.

5. For circumstances outside your circles of control, change your story.

Life happens. From the trivial (traffic jam) to the catastrophic (loss of a job or loved one), we all face circumstances beyond our control. It’s normal and appropriate to feel frustration, grief, or any other emotion in response to these events. Even as we give ourselves space to vent or to grieve, we can choose the story we tell in a way that empowers us and paves the way for healing and growth, whenever we are ready.

Consider the difference between a story that goes, “This is so unfair. I must be the most unlucky person ever. Why do terrible things always happen to me?” and a story that says, “I am so sad and angry about what happened. That’s not what I wanted at all. I’m going to give myself time to process this, and when I’m ready, I will figure out what to do next.”

6. Give yourself permission to be where you are, right now

Even if you’re headed to bigger, better goals, it’s OK to be right where you are today.

This weight.
This bank balance.
This relationship status.

When we use GPS to route a trip, we need two locations: destination and current location. To route the next steps, we have to start right where we are, by accepting yourself as you are NOW.

7. Practice self acceptance by connecting to other people

There’s power in social connections. Online or in-person, from casual interactions to deep relationships, interacting with others boosts our sense of well-being. Talking to others also normalizes our experience. We’re never, ever the only person feeling this way or facing this challenge. Realizing that others have faced similar obstacles can encourage us to move forward.

Accepting ourselves and our current circumstances takes practice. But when you practice self acceptance, it can enhance your well-being and increase your motivation to work toward your goals. And it’s a practice you can start where you are right now.